I don’t understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn’t it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that’s legal to give away? I can’t follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for killing people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?
Wouldn’t it be great if you could make a guy’s head explode just by looking at him?
Guys don’t seem to be called Lefty anymore.
JOIN THE RANKS OF THE UNCLEAN.
In someone else’s house, when I sit on a warm toilet seat after seeing another person leave the bathroom, if that person was a man I’m not quite comfortable. But if it was a woman I feel just fine. Unless it was a really fat or old woman. Then it feels kind of creepy.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
To my great disgust, the trend of naming children with what, until recently, had been considered surnames continues unabated. The latest abominations: Walker, Parker, Kendall, Flynn and McKenna. God help us.
Why aren’t there any really disturbing pop songs, like “Tomorrow I’m Gonna Fuck Your Wife ”?
If you were trying to clean up the world with a gun, you could sure do a lot worse than starting with a whole bunch of dead prosecutors.
was thinking the other day that they ought to make those handicapped ramps a little steeper. And put a few curves in them, too. I could use some laughs.
Think of how entertaining it would be if all the people on TV still had their original teeth.
I think we ought to just go ahead and make “zillion ”a real number. “Gazillion, ” too. A zillion could be ten million trillions, and a gazillion could be a trillion zillions. It seems to me it’s time to do this.
A long time ago in England a guy named Thomas Culpepper was hanged, beheaded, quartered, and disemboweled. Why do I have the impression women were not involved in these activities?
I read somewhere that in Mexico City 300 tons of fecal matter are deposited in the air every day. So I guess you could say that not only does shit happen, it also falls on your head.
In Maine, in order to save energy, there are several lighthouses that are closed at night.
What’s all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I’ve been the same sex all my life, and I was married for years. No problem. What’s the big deal?
I think the best home security system of all would be one that locks the burglar inside his own house.
Sometime when you’re watching a street musician, walk over in the middle of a song and whisper to him that you don’t like his music. Then take a dollar out of his cup and walk away.
Sometime after John Denver’s airplane crashed, a sheriff on TV was speculating that a pelican had flown into the plane. He actually said, “Birds are a hazard to aircraft.” Funny, I always thought it was the other way around.
You know what’s a fun thing to do? Go through your address book every few years and cross out the dead people.
If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.
Jesus doesn’t really love you but he thinks you have a great personality.
Baseball entered its death throes when it began referring to fielding as “defense.”
Have Some Fun: Walk into a gift shop and tell them you came in to get your gift.
Sony would be real smart to come up with a combination CD player and colostomy bag called the Shitman.
May I ask what all these grown men are doing walking around with fruity-looking backpacks? You see some goofy, twenty-eight-year-old yuppie wearin’ a backpack. Like he’s out prospecting for borax. What’s in these packs that’s so important? The nuclear launch codes? It’s embarrassing. I don’t know why I’ve allowed it to go on as long as I have.
I don’t understand people who protest things in the street by walking around holding signs. I say, if you’re gonna be on the street, use the time productively.
Destroy some property. How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it’s a spy satellite?
Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer the National Enquirer says he’s “vowed to lick this thing.” Just once I’d like to hear a guy say, “I’ve got cancer, and this is it. I’ll be dead in a few months.”
Why don’t they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?
Even though men are complete assholes, you know what makes me sad about feminism? Somewhere along the way we lost “Hey, toots!”