THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED

At some point, during every stage show I do, I take a sip of water and ask the audience, “How’s the water here?” I haven’t gotten a positive response yet. Not one. Last year I was in 100 different cities. Not one audience was able to give me a positive answer. Nobody trusts their water supply. Nobody. And that amuses me. Because it means the system is beginning to collapse, beginning to break down. I enjoy chaos and disorder. Not just because they help me professionally; they’re also my hobby. I’m an entropy buff. In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. And, of course, it’s not just true of nature, it’s true of society as well. If you look carefully, you can see that the social structure is just beginning to break down, just beginning to come apart at the seams.

--The News Turns Me On--
What I like about that is that it makes the news on television more exciting. I watch the news for only one thing: entertainment. That’s all I want. You know my favorite thing on television? Bad news. Accidents, disasters, catastrophes, explosions, fires. I wanna see shit being destroyed and bodies flyin’ around. I’m not interested in the budget, I don’t care about tax negotiations, I don’t wanna know what country the pope is in. But show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumpin’ off the roof, and I’m a happy guy. I wanna see a paint factory blowin’ up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday. I wanna be told there’s a guy runnin’ through the Kmart shooting at customers with an automatic weapon. I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen; hear about a nuclear meltdown in a big city; find out the stock market dropped 4, 000 points in one day. I wanna see people under pressure!

Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. My kinda TV! Exciting shit. I just want some entertainment! That’s the kind of guy I am. You know what I like most? Big chunks of steel, concrete and fiery wood falling out of the sky, and people running around trying to get out of the way. Exciting shit!

--Fuck Pakistan!--
At least I admit it. Most people won’t admit those feelings. Most people see somethin’ like that, they say, “Ohhhh, isn’t that awful?” Bullshit! Lyin’ asshole! You love it and you know it. Explosions are fun. And the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is. Have you ever noticed that? Sometimes an announcer comes on television and says, “Six thousand people were killed in an explosion today.” You say, “Where, where?” He says, “In Pakistan.” You say, “Aww, fuck Pakistan. Too far away to be fun.” But if he says it happened in your hometown, you say, “Whooa, hot shit, Dave! C’mon! Let’s go down and look at the bodies!” I love bad news. Doesn’t bother me. The more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. I’m glad the water sucks. You know what I do about it? I drink it! I fuckin’ drink it!

--This Is One Bad Species--
You see, I’m not one of those people who worries about everything. Do you have people around you like that? The country’s full of ’em now. People walkin’ around all day, worried about everything. Worried about the air, the water, the soil, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens, radon, asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species. Lemme tell you about endangered species. Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant human attempt to control nature. That’s what got us in trouble in the first place. Interfering with nature. Meddling. Doesn’t anybody understand that? And as far as endangered species are concerned, it’s a phony issue. Over 90 percent of all the species that ever lived on this planet are gone. They’re extinct. We didn’t kill them; they just disappeared. That’s what species do: they appear, and they disappear. It’s nature’s way. Irrespective of our behavior, species vanish at the rate of twenty-five a day. Let them go gracefully. Stop interfering. Leave nature alone. Haven’t we done enough damage?

We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet?

--Greens Eat Shit--
I’m gettin’ tired of that shit. I’m tired of fuckin’ Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalist, white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bike paths. Tryin’ to make the world safe for their repulsive Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet anyway. Not really. Not in the abstract. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. That’s all. They’re worried that sometime in the future they might personally be inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.
And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years. Did you ever think about that? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. And we’ve been here for what? A hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred versus 4.5 billion! And we have the nerve, the conceit to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re going to put this beautiful little blue-green ball in jeopardy?
Believe me, this planet has put up with much worse than us. It’s been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, solar flares, sunspots, magnetic storms, pole reversals, planetary floods, worldwide fires, tidal waves, wind and water erosion, cosmic rays, ice ages, and hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets, asteroids, and meteors. And people think a few plastic bags and aluminum cans are going to make a difference?

--See Ya!--
The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake. The planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas. And it will heal itself, because that’s what the planet does; it’s a self-correcting system. The air and water and earth will recover and be renewed. And if plastic is really not degradable, well, most likely the planet will incorporate it into a new paradigm: The Earth Plus Plastic. Earth doesn’t share our prejudice against plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. She probably sees it as one of her many children. In fact, it could be the reason the earth allowed us to be spawned in the first place; it wanted plastic and didn’t know how to make it. It needed us. That could be the answer to our age-old question: “Why are we here?” “Plastic, assholes!”

--“I Just Can’t Shake This Cold ”--
And so, our job is done. The plastic is here, we can now be phased out. And I think that’s already begun, don’t you? I mean, to be fair, the planet probably sees us as a mild threat, something to be dealt with. And I’m sure it can defend itself in the manner of a large organism; the way a beehive or an ant colony would muster a defense. I’m sure the planet will think of something. What would you be thinking if you were the planet, trying to defend yourself against this pesky, troublesome species? “Let’s see, what might I try? Hmmm! Viruses might be good; these humans seem vulnerable. And viruses are tricky, always mutating and developing new strains when new medicines or vaccines are introduced. And perhaps the first virus I try could be one that compromises their immune systems. A human immunodeficiency virus that makes them vulnerable to other infections that come along. And perhaps this virus could be spread sexually, making them reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction, further reducing their numbers.”
Well, I guess it’s a poetic notion, but it’s a start. And I can dream, can’t I?

No, folks, I don’t worry about the little things. Bees, trees, whales, snails. I don’t worry about them. I think we’re part of a much greater wisdom. Greater than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you like. I call it The Big Electron. The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, and it doesn’t judge. It just is. And so are we. For a little while. See ya.