BRAVE NEW WORLD OF SCIENCE

• Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside-down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen. 
• A pair of Siamese twins in Australia, surgically separated six months ago, has been sewn back together. Apparently, each of them could remember only half the combination to their locker. 
• Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. 
• The Nobel Prize in mathematics was awarded yesterday to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen, ” which he says belongs between six and seven. 
• The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. 
• A Swedish entomologist claims that common houseflies are highly intelligent and can be trained to fix umbrellas and dance in a circle. 
• Botanists in England have developed a plant that may help solve the world’s hunger problems. Although it has no food value of its own, when the plant reaches maturity it sneaks across the yard and steals food from the neighbors. 
• An x-ray technician at New York Hospital has died from a rare disease known as cancer-of-the-part-in-the-hair. In a desperate attempt to treat himself, twenty-eight-year-old Norris Flengkt shaved his head completely bald. Unfortunately, the cancer thought it was simply a wider part and proceeded to devour his entire skull. 
• Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself. 
• Astronomers announced that next month the sun, the moon, and all nine planets will be aligned perfectly with the earth. They say, however, the only noticeable effect will be that the Nome to Rio bus will run four days late. 
• Thanks to the sharp eyes of a Minnesota man, it is possible that two identical snowflakes may finally have been observed. While out snowmobiling, Oley Skotchgaard noticed a snowflake that looked familiar to him. Searching his memory, he realized it was identical to a snowflake he had seen as a child in Vermont. Weather experts, while excited, caution that the match-up will be difficult to verify. 
• Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a two-hundred-year supply of brake fluid. 
• According to astronomers, next week Wednesday will occur twice. They say such a thing happens only once every 60, 000 years and although they don’t know why it occurs, they’re glad they have an extra day to figure it out. 
• A team of microbiologists announced today they have discovered something they cannot identify. According to them it is long and thin and smells like a tractor seat.