A dog doesn’t understand time. Like a young child, he doesn’t know the difference between eight o’clock and a week ago Tuesday. The only period of time a dog understands is forever. And that’s how long he thinks everything is gonna last. Y’ever scratch your dog behind the ears? They really love that, don’t they? “Oh boy, oh boy! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!! Daddy’s scratchin’ me behind the ears! My favorite thing. Oh boy, oh boy! This is great!” And you’re scratchin’ and scratchin’, and he’s lovin’ it, and lookin’ up at you adoringly, his eyes rollin’ back in his head, and then suddenly you stop. And he looks at you like you’re some kind of diseased criminal pervert. He’s disappointed. He thought the scratchin’ was gonna last forever. He can’t help it—he just doesn’t know what time it is.
--Home Alone--
It’s especially bad when you go out and leave him alone. He thinks you’re never coming back. Never. That must be what he thinks, or else why would he act the way he does when you finally get home? All hyper and excited and revved up like he just ate a pound and a half of methamphetamine: “Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy!! IthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehomeIthoughtyouwerenevergonnacomehome! I was so scared. I was so lonely. Scared and lonely. I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. I thought I would never eat again. I don’t know how to prepare food. I’m a dog. I can’t cook. I can’t do anything. I don’t even know how to operate a can opener. How do ya do that? What do you do, push down the little handle? Couldn’t figure it out. Gimme some food. Gimme a kiss. Shake hands. Here’s my paw. You want me to roll over? I’ll do it. Just don’t leave me! Don’t go! Don’t go! I swear, I’ll never pee in the house again! I’ll never pee anywhere again! Just don’t leave me alone!”
And it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. They go into this speed-freak mode even if all you did was forget your hat and come back a few seconds later. “Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy! I thought you were never gonna come home! Et cetera, et cetera. Is that how ya say that? Et cetera? Anyway, I got hungry. Again. The minute you left. I was gonna eat the cat. I couldn’t find him. Where the fuck’s the cat? What did ya do, hide the cat?” “Lester, will you stop it? Calm down! I was just here a few seconds ago!” They really miss you. And they have no idea what time it is.