SOME LIKE IT HOT

Think for a moment about flamethrowers. The fact that we have them at all. Well, actually we don’t have them, the army has them. You know, I hadn’t thought of that; the army has all the flamethrowers. I’d say we’re jolly well fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn’t you? My point is that there are even such things as flamethrowers in the first place. What it indicates to me is that at some point, some person, Phil perhaps, said to himself, “Look at all those people across the road. What I wouldn’t give to set them on fire. But I’m much too far away. If only I had some device that would shoot flames on them.”

Well, the whole thing might’ve ended right there, but Phil happened to mention it to his friend, Dwyane, one of those people who’s good with tools. About a month later, Dwayne was back. “Phil, that idea of yours? Quite a concept. Watch!” WHOOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOOMPH! CRACKLE! BURN! Before long, the army came around. “Hi boys. We want to buy 500, 000 of those flamethrowers. We have a long list of people we’d like to set on fire. Give us 500, 000 and have them camouflaged. We don’t want anyone seeing them until they’re fully consumed by flames.” Phil and Dwayne made lots of money and died in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July.

--MAYBE THEY’LL ADOPT--
Concerning news coverage at the National Zoo: Do you care if the pandas fuck? I don’t. Why don’t they stop telling us the pandas didn’t fuck again this year? I’m not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda-fucking. If they want to they will, if not, they’ll watch The Price Is Right. Probably the only reason the pandas aren’t fucking on schedule is because some environmental jackoff has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some loser in a green T-shirt was taking your girlfriend’s rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone. And please God, save the planet from environmentalists.