Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?
Let’s give credit where it’s due and admit that Scotch tape was a really great idea.
Here’s a fun thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. As you watch the football scores on TV, try to visualize each college’s campus. Then picture yourself fucking someone on the lawn in front of the Administration Building.
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
America would be better off if we took all these male Citadel and VMI students and simply castrated them. What kind of pig jackoffs go to these places in the first place? I say cut off their nuts.
I think the blacks in South Africa should just go ahead and kill all the whites and be done with it. Problem solved.
Remembering exactly where you were when some famous person died is a meaningless exercise. It’s an attempt by ordinary people to connect their dull lives to important events. Can’t we discourage this practice?
There are eleven teams in the Big Ten.
The gray-haired douche bag, Barbara Bush, has a slogan: “Encourage your child to read every day.” What she should be doing is encouraging children to question what they read every day.
“Rivera Live ”is such a good show. If only Rivera weren’t on it.
Sometimes when you’re burying a guy alive, for a moment or two you start feeling sorry for him. And then it passes, and you keep on shovelling.
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I have a friend who loves to run through Der Weinerschnitzel yelling, “Bon appetito!”
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not however be responsible for the consequences.
I wonder if an Elvis impersonator could ever get famous enough so that someone who looked like him could become a celebrity lookalike. Is there room in this culture for an Elvis- impersonator lookalike? Probably.
One objection to cloning human beings is that there’s a chance for abnormal offspring. Yeah? So? You ever take a look at some of those families in the South?
Why do they bother saying “raw sewage”? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
I think pimps should have an Employee of the Month the way other businesses do. It would be good for morale. And I’ll bet blow jobs would improve, too.
You rarely run into a damsel anymore.
Whenever I hear someone referred to as a spiritual leader, I wonder why the spirit world needs leaders.
Here’s more bullshit middlebrow philosophy: “That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I’ve got something a little more realistic: “That which doesn’t kill me still may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull, and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste.” Put that on your T-shirt, touchy-feely, New Age asshole!
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
I think highways should have a beer lane.
Live and let live, that’s what I say. Anyone who can’t understand that should be killed. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked well in our family.
Isn’t it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed: “Let’s put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town.” What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow these motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need that phosphorous for farming. If we’re going to recycle, let’s get serious.
True Stuff: Because of all the lawsuits against “good Samaritans ”whose efforts end badly, fewer people are willing to stop and lend assistance at the scene of an accident. As a result, experts are wondering whether or not we need laws compelling us to help each other.
Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around; maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pews.
Here’s a little car fun. If someone is driving alongside you in the right-hand lane, act concerned and wave them toward the side of the road, yelling, “Pull over! Pull over! Pull over!” When they finally pull over, just keep going. Let ’em sit there and think it over for a while. It’s certainly none of your concern. In fact, you don’t want to have anything to do with a person like that.
Something I really don’t like is claymation; that stop-action animation junk. Why don’t they can that shit? It’s fake-looking, and it detracts from the story.