I’d like to pass along a piece of wisdom my first-grade teacher shared with us kids. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit, and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.” I’ll always remember that.
I’m curious, what precisely is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s job title?
If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who’s gonna clean the fuckin’ toilets around here?
You know what’s fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
I’m happy to say that during the 2000 Olympics I missed every single event without exception, managing even to avoid all the clips shown on newscasts. And although I sometimes watch NBC and MSNBC for other reasons, this time, whenever I ventured into those two locations it was with the remote control firmly in hand, ready to change channels instantly, in the event that depressing Olympic theme music or those repulsive five rings suddenly showed up.
If it requires a uniform it’s a worthless endeavor.
True Stuff There is actually a TV commercial in Las Vegas that advertises a service called “Discount Bankruptcy.”
There is now a Starbucks in my pants.
As long as you’ve decided to drink all day there’s nothing wrong with starting early in the morning.
Odd Fact When two women with different colored hair walk together on a sidewalk, the one with the darker hair will always be positioned closest to the curb.
I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
I like the fact that rap musicians are murdering each other. I don’t have a problem with rap music, it’s just that I like the idea of celebrities killing each other. Wouldn’t it be great if Dan Rather snuck up on Tom Brokaw during the news and stabbed him in the head? Or imagine Julie Andrews putting rat poison in Liza Minnelli’s triple vodka when she gets up to take a shit at Sardi’s. Here’s a great one: Richard Simmons and Louie Anderson grab Rosie O’Donnell and choke her to death. It’s just fun to think about, isn’t it?
Tennis tip You get a better return of serve if you let the ball bounce twice before hitting it.
People on a diet should have a salad dressing called “250 Islands.”
Can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo finishing? You just saw the fuckin’ thing! How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like “a little while ago”?
I tried to give up heroin, but my efforts were all in vein.
When I was a boy, on Good Friday in my parish, in order to dramatize the extent of Jesus’ suffering, a group of the priests used to get together and crucify one of the children.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
What is all this shit about Dick Clark not looking his age? Take a closer look.
You know my favorite play in baseball? The bean ball. It’s great, isn’t it? It’s dramatic. Especially if the guy is really hurt. Sometimes the ball hits the helmet, and you feel kind of disappointed. Even though it makes a good loud noise.
Do you ever open the dictionary right to the page you want? Doesn’t that feel good?
Here’s my idea for another one of those “reality -based ”TV shows: “No Survivors!” One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the “Survivor” survivors. Think of it as a public service.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.
How soon can we begin to execute these yuppie half-wits who name their golden retrievers Jake and put red bandannas around their necks? Apparently, this is viewed as amusing or ironic or some other quality yuppies value highly. It isn’t amusing; it’s precious, half-wit bullshit.
They say only 10 percent of the brain’s function is known. Apparently, the function of the remaining 90 percent is to keep us from discovering its function.
Ethnic-wise, I’ll tell you this: if I hadn’t turned out to be Irish, I would’ve really liked to be a guinea.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
I’m tired of hearing about innocent victims. It’s fiction. If you live on this planet you’re guilty, period, fuck you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people.