What wine goes with Cap’n Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the morning. Sometimes I give up,smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, and just go back to bed. Try that sometime. Smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, go back to bed, and watch the midmorning movie. Call your boss and tell him you smoked some Froot Loops, you’re watching a movie, and you’ll be in around 2:30. That is, if you feel like it. That’s the way you handle a boss. You can’t take shit from someone just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is. Tell him it’s your job, and you’ll do it your way. That’s what bosses like—people with spunk. Act the same way when you go in for a job interview. Let ’em know what kind of person you are. Have a beer opener and some swizzle sticks sticking out of your breast pocket. Put a little confetti in your hair. Tell them your primary career is partying and work is kind of a sideline.
Tell the interviewer you’ll need an office near the front door so you can leave in a hurry at five o’clock. “I ain’t stickin’ around this fuckin’ place after hours, I’ll tell you that right now.” Let him know what’s happening. Tell him you hope it’s not one of those chicken-shit places where they dock your pay just for taking off Mondays and Fridays. Then, if you still don’t have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, “Who’s the cunt?” That’ll clinch it. You’ll probably have a nice long career with that firm. Once all your medical procedures have been completed.
