I’m surprised that all this shit about role models has persisted as long as it has. Why should a kid need a role model? You know what you tell a kid? “Get the fuck out there, get a job, and make a contribution.” Never mind that role model shit. If this country is dependent on things like role models, we’re much worse off than I thought.
People say athletes should be role models. I never looked up to athlete, did you? I liked them. I didn’t copy them. Did you ever listen to one of those guys talk? Would you want your kid to turn out like that? Willing to completely subordinate his ego and individuality for the sake of a group whose sole purpose is to compete with other groups? Can’t have a mustache? Gotta wear a suit jacket? Shit! kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
I like sports because I enjoy knowing that many of the macho athletes have to vomit before a big game. Any guy who would take a job where you gotta puke first is my kinda guy.
I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I’m glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it’s good entertainment. If we”re lucky, it’ll spread all through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn’t you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab soigne famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they’ll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I’m ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I’ll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokess.
In football, I root for the Oakland Raiders because they hire castoffs, outlaws, malcontents, and fuckups, they have lots of penalties, fights, and paybacks, and because Al Davis told the rest of the pig NFL owners to go get fucked. Also, they don’t have a lot of Christians kneeling down to pray after touchdowns. Christians are ruining sports. Someday, the Raiders will be strong again, and they will dip the ball in shit and shove it down the throats of the wholesome, white, heartland teams that pray together and don’t deliver late hits.
You know the best thing I did for myself during the past five years? I told sports to go take a flying fuck. I was fed up with the way I related to professional sports, so I reordered the relationship on my own terms. I became a little more selective.
I couldn’t believe how much time I had wasted watching any old piece of shit ballgame that happened to show up on TV. I must have thought there was some inborn male obligation to tune in and root every time a bunch of sweaty assholes got together to mix it up in a stadium somewhere.
I also realized I was wasting perfectly good emotional energy by sticking with my teams when they were doing poorly. My rooting life was scarcely better than those Cubs fans who think it’s a sign of character to feel shitty all the time. It’s absurd.
I decided it’s not necessary to suffer and feel crappy just because my teams suck. What I do now is cut ‘em loose for awhile. I simply let them go about losing, as I go about living my life. Then, when they’ve improved, and are doing well once again, I get back on board and enjoy their success.