SHORT TAKES

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

I don’t like porno movies. They piss me off. First they show a great-looking naked woman who starts playing with herself. And while I’m watching, she sort of becomes my girlfriend. And then, suddenly, in walks a guy with a big dick, and he starts fucking my girlfriend. It pisses me off.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Haven’t we gone far enough with colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own color. Red for AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rain forest. I’ve got a brown one. You know what it means? “Eat shit, motherfucker!” I enjoy young people because they’re really fucked up and don’t know what they’re doing. I like that. I support all fucked-up people regardless of age. In that book Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie Schwartz had Lou Gehrig’s disease. But what isn’t generally known is that because of a mix-up at the hospital, Lou Gehrig had Hodgkin’s disease, Hodgkin had Parkinson’s disease, and Parkinson had Alzheimer’s disease. Unfortunately, Alzheimer couldn’t remember whose disease he had. He thinks it might have been Wally Pipp.

Whenever you see more than two men sitting in a parked car after dark you can be sure drugs are involved.

You know what we haven’t had in quite a while? A really big fire in a crowded nightclub. What’s going on? When I die I don’t want to be buried, but I don’t want to be cremated either. I want to be blown up. Put me on a pile of explosives and blow me up. Or throw my body from a helicopter. That would be fun. One stipulation: wherever I land, you have to leave me there. Even if it’s the mayor’s lawn. Just let me lie there. But keep the dogs away.

Isn’t it nice that once your parents are dead they can’t come back and start fucking with you again?

The trouble with a sitcom is that every week it’s the same irritating group of assholes. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

I never see any black twins. What’s the deal here?

You know what would be great? To be in a coma. You’re still alive, but you have no responsibilities. “He owes me six thousand dollars.” “He’s in a coma.” “Oh, okay. Never mind.” If I had my choice of how to die I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames. Have you noticed fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on? When you turn on a fluorescent light it flickers and hesitates and is sort of unsure of itself. Then after several seconds it seems to gain confidence and light up at full strength. What’s that all about? Cain’t these lamps receive some sort of counseling?