I never did well at Monopoly. I guess I don’t have a business mind. Oh, I’d usually manage to own a couple of railroads. And Water Works, of course. I’m not a complete asshole; I know a monopoly when I see one. Everybody needs water. But it always frustrated me that the other guys wouldn’t let me build houses on Water Works. They said it was zoning or some shit like that. I think they were jealous that I had vision. The worst fight I ever got into was when I tried to put hotels on the Electric Company. Vision.
As far as other properties were concerned, naturally I’d snap up Baltic Avenue as soon as that became available.
“How much is that son of a bitch? Sixty bucks? Gimme that mother. I gotta have a place to live.”
About the best thing I’d ever own would be one or two properties in the light blue series. Maybe Oriental Avenue. No houses, of course. Just an excavation or two. That’s about all I ever had on my property—plans. Surveyor’s marks. I just couldn’t get financing. All my friends would have shopping centers, malls, condominiums, industrial parks. And they liked to rub it in.
“Oh boy, Carlin, you’re comin’ down my side of the board now! Get ready to pay up!”
“Ohh, no! Please God, gimme a big one.”
Then I’d roll.
“Hot shit!! A twelve! Thank you, God! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Fuck you, Tony. I ain’t even stoppin’ on your side. Fuck you and Boardwalk, too!”
“That’s all right, Carlin, you’ll be around again.”
Of course, you can’t move your token until you remember which one is yours.
“Which one is mine? Am I the hat? I could swear I was the hat. No, that was yesterday. Wait! I know. The racing car. I’m the racing car. Hey, who’s the ship? Richie, are you the ship?”
“No, he’s not the ship, I’m the ship. I get the ship every game. Don’t even touch the ship.” Tony was the biggest guy.
None of them wanted to be the iron. Too feminine.
The worst token to have was the cannon. The big gun. It was the only topheavy token. It kept falling over. Throw the dice anywhere near it, and it fell on its side. And then some anal retentive would say, “Who has the gun? Are you the gun? Would ya pick it up, please? And you, Paulie, are you in jail or just visiting? Well, if you’re just visiting, put the car on the of the jail, not on the actual jail part.”
Some guys really cared. That’s why they won.
I never won, but I was always in there at the end. Because I had all the one-dollar bills. Twenty-five hundred dollars in singles, and they needed me to make change.
I would try to borrow money.
“Please, Tony, Just five bucks. I wanna buy some gum.”
“Fuck you, Carlin. I’ll give you five bucks for Water Works.”
“Ten.”
“Seven-fifty.”
“Tony, they don’t have a fifty-cent bill.”
“Tough shit. Tear a dollar in half.”
No, I wasn’t very good at the game, but I spent a lot of time landing on Chance. And I always tried to buy it. I got in more fights trying to buy Chance.
I’d move my token.“…three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine …Chance!” Turn over the card, a little man with a hat: “Two hundred dollars for being an asshole.”
“Hey, Richie, shuffle those cards, will ya? That’s the second time I got that one.”