How come the Midwest is in the United States, and the Mideast is way the fuck overseas somewhere?

On Thanks giving, most people give thanks for the things they have. Not me, I use Thanksgiving to ask for more things.

I think if a person doesn’t immediately answer a public page in an airport, the paging should get increasingly hostile each time it is repeated. Until finally they’re saying, “Goddammit, would the miserable jackoff calling himself David Klosterman please pick up the fuckin’ white courtesy phone?”

Regarding these famous boxers who make comebacks when they’re in their forties, don’t you wish one of them would get killed in the ring? Just for a goof?

Here’s a good example of practical humor, but you have to be in the right place. When a local television reporter is doing one of those on-the-street reports at the scene of a news story, usually you’ll see some onlookers in the background of the shot, waving and trying to be seen on television. Go over and stand with them but don’t wave. Just stand perfectly still and, without attracting attention, move your lips, forming the words, “I hope all you stupid fuckin’ lip-readers are watching. Why don’t you just blow me, you goofy deaf bastards.” The TV station will enjoy taking the many phone calls.

I feel sorry for bisexuals. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Jesus, think of all the phone numbers you’d come home with. Might as well walk around with the white pages under your arm.