Moment #1
Have you ever been in one of those serious social situations when you suddenly realize you have to pull the underwear out of the crack in your ass?
“Do you, Enrique, take this woman, Blanca, to be your lawful, wedded wife?”
“Huh? Hold on, Rev.” [Tugging violently at his pants] “Aah! Got it! Jesus, that was in deep. Yes. Yes, I do. Excuse me, Rev, sometimes my shorts get sucked up way inside my asshole.” Ain’t love grand?
Moment #2
Have you ever been at a really loud party where the music is deafening, and in order to be heard you have to scream at the top of your lungs? Even if you’re talking to the person right next to you? But then often, the music stops suddenly and everyone quiets down at the same time. And only your voice can be heard, ringing across the room:
“CHARLIE, I’M GONNA GET MY TESTICLES LAMINATED!!”
And everyone turns to look at Charlie’s interesting friend.
Moment #3
Have you ever been talking to a bunch of guys, and you laugh through your nose and blow a snot on your shirt? And then you have to just keep talking and hope they’ll think it’s part of the design? It works all right if you’re wearing a Hawaiian shirt. But otherwise, they’re gonna notice.
“Hey, Ed, check it out! Dave’s got a big snot on his shirt! Howie, look! Phil, c’mere! Dave just blew a big snot all over himself.” Guys are such fun.
Moment #4
Did you ever meet a guy, and as you’re shaking his hand you realize he doesn’t have a complete hand? It feels like something is missing? And you’re standing there holding a handful of deformed, knoblike flesh?
It’s unnerving, isn’t it? But you can’t react; you can’t even look down at his hand. You have to make believe it feels great.
You can’t go, “Eeeaauuu! How creepy! Where’s your other fingers?”
You can’t say that. It’s not even an option. You have to hang in, smile big, and say, “Hey, swell hand! Gimme three! Okay! A high-three! Yo! Okay!”
Moment #5
Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone suddenly comes in the room? And you have to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there’s a song called “Fuck Her”?